Friday 29 March 2019

Reviews: Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2019 (Part 1)

The Melbourne International Comedy Festival is on again, and Narrelle Harris and I have been seeing shows. Here's our first set of reviews for 2019...
 

1. Where They Hide the Crazy
Reviewed by Narrelle Harris

The Northern Territory has a problem - its population is declining. Amy Hetherington is on a national tour to hunt for people who might fit in with the Darwin vibe. People who can cope with the humidity, take pride in weird things and find their ‘boundless possible’ there.

Hetherington plays with our stereotypes of what we think the Territory, and Territory people, are like, via self-deprecating charm (“In Darwin, I’m a Ten!”) and rough edges; reminiscent of Fiona O’Loughlin’s take on Alice Springs. She’s pretty clued up on other places, though, with her wicked take on Australian cities as people trying to get picked up at Revolver.

Territory Pride, the challenges of getting sexy when it’s always humid, an engineer’s solution to getting out of a sports bra, and knowing how someone is The One are topics explored as Hetherington seeks candidates to join her in the sultry north. She’s confident, occasionally scatological and good fun.

I’m still not moving to the NT though.

[Find details and buy tix for this show here]


2. What Would Bill Murray Do?
Reviewed by Tim Richards

The titles of Comedy Festival shows are thought up so far ahead, you often can't judge the resulting book by its cover. That seems the case with this show, which only has a passing reference or two to Bill Murray.

David Tieck is a beardy clown on the stage, at times imitating Chewbacca, Santa, and a plumper Jesus. He has an over-the-top, childlike stage persona which acts out a series of scenarios, involving a celebrity panda topped by a snow leopard hat; the theatre safety nurse; and a guy who’s in love with everything. The finale of the show is the rapid-fire completion of a list of 37 fun things, in order to discover the secret of life.

Though I like a bit of absurdity, the material feels undeveloped, undirected and too reliant on silliness rather than well-timed absurdity. As a result it's at best whimsical and lightly amusing, rather than surreal and edgy. If that’s your bag, it might work for you as an early-evening Comedy Festival entree.

[Find details and buy tix for this show here]


3. A Man For Two Seasons
Reviewed by Tim Richards

British comedian Gordon Southern doesn't like the cold, so he spends his years jetting around the world, following the festival circuit so he's always in the warmer months. Those peregrinations form the backbone of his story over the last fifteen years, as he married and divorced an Adelaide girl along the way.

It's a tale with a darker edge, as he's dealt with depression and its suicidal impulses in transit. That may make it sound a serious show, but in fact it's very funny as Southern relates the odder aspects of the therapy which helped him through his crisis. From one uptight therapist who turned out to be his neighbour, to a more fun-loving therapist who turned out to be dodgy as hell, it's an entertaining saga that provokes plenty of laughs.

It wouldn't work without an energetic delivery, and we get that in spades. Aided by a series of mood-tinted light changes, Southern expertly takes us through his flawed life with a warmth and relatability that's both funny and moving.

[Find details and buy tix for this show here]

More reviews next week. Enjoy the festival! 

Thursday 21 March 2019

Eccentric Orbit: Santiago’s Barrio Bellavista

In Santiago, Chile, some years ago, Narrelle Harris and I enjoyed the vibe of the lively Barrio Bellavista district. The story I wrote about it for a newspaper is no longer online, so I've republished it here...

Princess of my feelings
Butterfly of my flowers, of many colours
That I find now in my garden
Birdsong reminds me of your laugh


It’s amazing what 2000 Chilean pesos ($5) will buy you. Walking through the night-time streets of Barrio Bellavista, a district of Chile’s capital, Santiago, Narrelle and I are accosted by a smooth-talking man.

He claims to be a poet, supplementing his high university fees by selling photocopied examples of his work in Spanish and English to passers-by.

He blames his plight on ex-dictator General Pinochet, and asks if I know him. I nod. Then we discuss his uncle's time in Melbourne, he comments on how tall Australian women are, I give him some money for the above poem, and we part the best of friends.

And the night is yet young. There’s never a dull moment in this bohemian entertainment area just to the north of the city centre, across the Mapocho River. It may be pushing midnight on a Tuesday, but it's all happening at the Barrio.

Restaurants are serving food to patrons sitting outside in the balmy spring air, bars are doing a brisk trade, helped by resident solo guitarists, and yellow-jacketed officials keep the peace by sorting out visitors’ parking problems.

Along the street, two young men play the drums and juggle, with a view to extracting financial compensation from passing motorists and pedestrians.

Barrio Bellavista does a good line in perky black-clad waitresses, along with energetically mad beggars, folk who loom over your outside table or harangue you with a smile as you try to use a public phone.

It's all part of the local colour, and we take a tolerant view of their unscripted interventions.

The only real danger lurks in the cholesterol content of the parillada we order from the Galindo, a haunt of the late Chilean poet and Nobel Prize winner, Pablo Neruda. Promised to be tipicamente Chileno (typically Chilean) and indicated as a meal for two, the dish turns out to be a mixed grill of gigantic proportions that would keep a vegetarian gibbering for a week.

The pan it’s served in contains two chops, two steaks, two chicken breasts, three sausages of various descriptions, and several steamed potatoes. This is a meal you could share with your extended family, with everyone satisfied by the end.

But maybe the locals need to fuel up to keep pace with Bellavista’s non-stop energy.

While Santiago has often been seen by travellers as one of South America’s less interesting destinations, and certainly one of the most polluted, this neighbourhood is the focus of much that is worth seeing in the city.

Behind its attractive grid of narrow, tree-lined streets filled with theatres, bars, and eateries, looms the Cerro San Cristobal.

This middle-sized mountain is home to a funicular railway, zoo and the sprawling green parkland of the Parque Metropolitano.

At its summit there’s a lookout under the benevolent gaze of a giant statue of the Virgin Mary, arms outstretched, resembling an opera singer about to burst into an aria.

But the major drawcard of the district is Neruda’s former home, La Chascona. As eccentric as its owner, the property is a riot of separate rooms cascading down a lush hillside, linked by walkbridges.

Each is oddly-shaped, brightly painted, and full of curious objects collected by its owner: bottles, Toby mugs, paperweights, ashtrays, dolls, ships’ figureheads, and representations of horses, watermelons and fertility gods. Much of it was smashed after the coup in 1973, not long before Neruda died, but now it’s been restored and is much-visited.


Gonzalo Iturra, a guide employed by the Pablo Neruda Foundation, is fond of the great man’s quirks.

“The house is important because it is very much like him,” he says. “It reflects his obsession with ships, and with hidden things like secret passages. One of the steps in the staircases was made from a sleeper from a railroad. That’s a reference to his father, who used to work at a train station.”

And the dining room filled with luridly coloured glassware?

“He believed that coloured glass would make things taste better,” says Iturra, smiling.


La Chascona seems like the anchor of the district which surrounds it, a bohemian refuge never conquered by the yuppie invaders who are the kiss of death to such suburbs in the West. But are its days as an alternative hangout numbered?

Iturra doesn’t think so.

“When you make money in Chile, you don’t want to live in a bohemian neighbourhood downtown where things are happening; you want to go where no-one else is,” he says. “Bellavista can be hip and cool, but can also be very unpretentious.”

Neruda, as an ardent communist and a poet who immortalised the mundane objects of everyday life, would no doubt be happy to hear it.

Friday 15 March 2019

Strange Museums of Keszthely, Hungary

My 2010 visit to Hungary started at the holiday town of Keszthely, which proved to have several curious museums. 

As the resulting newspaper article has since disappeared from the Web, here it is again for your amusement...

I’m standing two metres from the terrifying figure of a vampire looming over a defenceless white-clad maiden, blood dripping from its fangs... when the lights go out.

It’s not just the vampire I have to worry about in the sudden inky blackness.

Behind me is the infamous Countess Bathory in a bath dripping with virgins’ blood, and further on there’s a gent with a guillotine, and a man road-testing an electric chair.

Luckily, my confused backtracking towards the entrance activates the motion-sensitive lights, and once again the compact interior of the cheery Torture Museum is bathed in a sickly yellow glow. 

At first glance, the lakeside holiday town of Keszthely, Hungary, is an example of old-world charm.

It offers cruises on Lake Balaton, Central Europe’s largest freshwater lake; tours of the graceful Festetics Palace and its vast Helikon Library; and visitors can take a therapeutic dip in the stunning thermal lake at nearby Hévíz.

However, there’s an eccentric, even twisted, streak to this popular holiday town.

One expects a seaside resort to have attractions designed to distract holiday-makers between shopping and swimming - a dull local history museum, perhaps, or a lavender shop.

What Keszthely has is a bunch of small museums ranging from the intriguing to the just plain odd.

Torture Museum: Highlights famous fiends of history and popular torture devices, including the rack and the Iron Maiden, thoughtfully demonstrated using buckets of fake blood and hilariously unrealistic wax models. If you arrive on a quiet day, as I did, the ticket lady from the nearby Doll Museum opens the door and lets you wander about on your own.
Address: Kossuth utca 11, Keszthely.

Medieval Erotic Panopticon: The creators of this basement museum have taken medieval illustrations of sex scenes and, using silicone dummies, have recreated them in amusingly adults-only splendour.

One can only wonder what went through the minds of the University of Fine Arts candidates as they created the spectacular nether regions on display. Remember though - as it’s historic it’s not smut, it’s educational.
Address: Kossuth utca 12, Keszthely.

Doll Museum: After the previous exhibitions, the necessary antidote might be this collection of puppets dressed in folk costumes, located near the Torture Museum.

They’re all well and good, but the real highlight is the museum’s model of the Hungarian Parliament, constructed from 4.5 million snail shells by a single-minded lady over 14 years.
Address: Kossuth utca 11, Keszthely.

Marzipan Museum: If you’ve been searching fruitlessly for a giant marzipan model of a Buddhist stupa, then look no more - it’s here, along with marzipan versions of palaces and model cars.
Address: Katona utca 19, Keszthely.

Bacchus Wine Museum: Ask the waiter to switch on the lights in this cellar museum attached to a hotel restaurant; within is a jumble of casks, barrels, wine bottles, plastic vines, wooden statues and enormous Toby jugs.

Though it resembles the collection of an eccentric wine-loving uncle, the displays are actually well-labelled and informative about Hungarian wines.
Address: Erzsebet Kiralyne utca 18, Keszthely.

Star Castle: And finally, just 15km down the road from Keszthely at Balatonszentgyörgy, this star-shaped 16th century fortress will save you time if you’re in a rush. It has exhibitions of dolls in folk costume... and of wax models being tortured. But don’t worry, there are some nice tame farm animals to pat afterwards in the grounds.
Address: Csillagvar utca, Balatonszentgyörgy.

For more about the museums of Keszthely, visit babamuzeum-keszthely.hu.

Friday 8 March 2019

The Other Cheap-Arse Way to Melbourne Airport - by Tram!

In my popular post To Melbourne Airport the Cheap-Arse Way, I describe how to travel to/from the city centre and the airport by regular public transport, aboard a train and the route 901 bus.

It's the most frequent option. However, there is a second, more obscure, way of travelling between MEL and the city: using Melbourne's favourite mode of transport, the tram.

Here's how to do it...

To Melbourne Airport

From Elizabeth Street in Melbourne's central business district, catch a route 59 tram all the way to its northern terminus at Stop 59 in the suburb of Airport West (timetable here).

You may have noticed two interesting things already. Firstly, it's a curious coincidence that route 59 happens to have 59 stops (pure chance, as it happens).

Also, that Airport West is an odd name for a suburb that's south of the airport. That's true, but it was actually named after Melbourne's original air terminal, Essendon Airport to the east, which is still in operation and which you'll pass on the tram.

When you step out of the route 59 terminus, ignore the bus stop that's immediately adjacent - that's for buses heading to the nearby shopping centre. Instead, you have to do a slightly fiddly crossing of the road intersection to reach the bus stop to the north of the terminus on the other side of the road (near the Red Rooster outlet).

Are you there? Good. Now you simply have to wait for a bus. From here, you can catch any of three bus routes to the airport:


These buses are not that frequent. Between them, the 478 and 479 buses run every half-hour from 5.45am to 7.15pm on weekdays (and hourly between 7.45am and 6.45pm at weekends), taking 15 minutes to reach the airport.

The 482 runs only eight times a day on weekdays and follows a curiously circuitous route through the industrial hinterland leading to the airport, thus taking 25 minutes. As the 482 bus is so less frequent and takes a bit longer, I'd only recommend it if it happens to show up and the next 478 or 479 bus is more than ten minutes away.

The bus terminates at the public transport interchange on Grants Road, next to Terminal 4 at Melbourne Airport. It's a convenient stop for flights aboard Jetstar and Tigerair, the budget airlines serving that terminal.

For international flights and Virgin Australia domestic flights respectively, Terminals 2 and 3 are about a 10 minute walk away. For Qantas domestic flights, Terminal 1 is a 15 minute hike.


From Melbourne Airport

You need a Myki card to travel on Melbourne's public transport, and to get hold of one of these at the airport you have three choices.

1. The easiest option is to buy a card directly from a bus driver, who can also add credit to the card. The card costs $6 to purchase, and on top of that a two-hour fare from the airport to the city centre (and onwards to anywhere in Melbourne within the time limit) is $4.40.

All buses should be equipped for this transaction, but if you strike a bus where the driver has run out of cards or the equipment isn't working, there are two other options.

2. You can buy a Myki card from one of the three Myki ticket machines located at the airport. These are located in the arrivals areas of Terminals 2, 3 and 4.

Again, the card itself costs $6 and you top it up with credit; you'll need at least $4.40 credit to reach the city centre and stay in the black.

3. You can also buy a Myki Explorer Pack from the Skybus ticket booths at the airport (Skybus is the premium departs-every-ten-minutes airport bus which heads to the city centre for $19.75).

The $15 purchase price includes the standard $6 purchase price for the card, plus $9 of travel credit on standard public transport (ie not aboard Skybus itself). That's more than enough to get to the city centre on the regular bus and tram, then travel onwards to anywhere in the Melbourne metropolitan area.

The visitor pack also includes discount vouchers to major Melbourne attractions and a decorative Myki card wallet, so that may add to the incentive to pick one up.

The standard bus stop is within the public transport interchange on Grants Road, near Terminal 4 (so allow 15 minutes walk from Terminal 1, and 10 minutes walk from Terminals 2 and 3). Look for the orange-and-white PTV sign inside the interchange.

Here you board any of these bus routes, all of which head to Airport West Shopping Centre:


"Touch on" the card (as the jargon goes) against a Myki reader on board, and take a seat.

Between them, the 478 and 479 buses run every half-hour from about 6.30am to 8pm on weekdays (and hourly between 8am and 7pm at weekends). It takes 15 minutes to reach the terminus of the 59 tram, which is next to the Dromana Ave/Matthews Ave bus stop.

Note that this is the second-last bus stop on the route; if you doze off you'll end up at the Airport West Shopping Centre, one stop further on (don't worry if this happens, it's a short walk back).

Touch off your Myki card as you leave the bus, then step onto the platform at the tram terminus right next to the bus stop - you'll recognise it by its distinctive green signage.

Trams run later and more frequently than the buses, so sit back and wait for a number 59 tram to Flinders Street Station in the city centre (timetable here).

Touch on your card again when you board the tram, and relax - you'll be in Melbourne's central business district in about 50 minutes, with plenty of interesting suburbia to view on the way (if you're a Dame Edna Everage fan, give her a wave as you pass through Moonee Ponds).

Fares

The Myki fare between the airport and city centre in either direction is a mere $4.40. This sum is automatically subtracted from the card balance when you touch off along the route.

This fare covers both of Melbourne's fare zones, so includes all public transport for the duration of the two hours. Hence you could transfer to another tram, a bus or a train when you reach the city centre, to travel onward within the same fare.

Give me credit

The catch is that you must buy a Myki card for that non-refundable $6 purchase price; though of course you'll be able to keep using it during your stay in Melbourne, and retain it for use on any future visits.

To top up the card's credit, the easiest method is to step into any of the numerous 7-Eleven outlets in the city centre and ask the person behind the counter to do it (it can also be topped up at train stations and at Myki machines at larger tram stops).

To work out how much credit you need during your visit, budget $8.80 per weekday (the capped daily fare) and $6.40 per weekend day or public holiday. If you like, the 7-Eleven staffer can alternatively add a pass to the card covering all travel over seven days for $44.

So very Melbourne

The best thing about the bus+tram option, is that it gets you straight into the "being in Melbourne" vibe – the city has the world's largest tram network, and the tram is one of its most beloved icons. There's no more civilised way of travelling in the city, if you ask me.

Note that the bus+tram option isn't really suitable for people with large amounts of luggage; but if travelling with reasonably small and portable gear, go for it.

So happy flying - and enjoy the cheap ride by tram to/from Melbourne Airport.

Friday 1 March 2019

To Melbourne Airport the Cheap-Arse Way (2019 Update)

It's been three years since I last updated this blog's most popular post, revealing how to get between the city centre and Melbourne Airport very cheaply on regular public transport. There have been a few changes since then, so read on...

The cost of getting to and from airports throughout the Western world can be outrageously expensive, and Melbourne is not immune from this curse.

However... there is a way of getting to and from Melbourne Airport cheaply.

So draw your chairs closer, lean in and discover how to save a tidy bit of cash.

For the cheap-arses among us, there is a much cheaper way into the city centre than the 30 to 45 minute $19.75 Skybus journey, though of course it takes longer (about 60 to 70 minutes, depending on connections).

This is how it works...

To Melbourne Airport

From any station in Melbourne's central business district, catch a train along the Craigieburn line and alight at Broadmeadows Station (timetable here).

Step straight out through the station to the bus bay which is just to the right as you clear the main entrance. Here you catch the 901 bus to Melbourne Airport, which leaves approximately every 15 minutes from about 5am to midnight (timetable here).

Note: on Saturdays and Sundays the 901 bus departure intervals are every 30 minutes; and on Sundays the 901 operates from Broadmeadows from about 7am to 9.30pm.

It's important to note that 901 buses going the other direction to Frankston use the same stop, so make sure the bus destination sign says 'Melbourne Airport'.

The bus terminates at the public transport interchange on Grants Road, next to Terminal 4 at Melbourne Airport. It's a very convenient stop for flights aboard Jetstar and Tigerair, the budget airlines serving Terminal 4.

For international flights and Virgin Australia domestic flights respectively, Terminals 2 and 3 are about a 10 minute walk away. For Qantas domestic flights, Terminal 1 is a 15 minute hike. Although there's shelter at most points of the walk, you might need an umbrella if caught in the rain as you go.

Why it isn't possible to have more than one bus stop in operation at the airport is one of the great mysteries of the universe, but that's a puzzle for another day.

From Melbourne Airport

You need a Myki card to travel on Melbourne's public transport, and to get hold of one of these at the airport you have three choices.

1. The easiest option is to buy a card directly from the 901 bus driver, who can also add credit to the card. The card costs $6 to purchase, and on top of that a two-hour fare from the airport to the city centre (and onwards to anywhere in Melbourne within the time limit) is $4.40.

All buses should be equipped for this transaction, but if you strike a bus where the driver has run out of cards or the equipment isn't working, there are two other options.

2. You can instead buy a Myki Explorer Pack from the Skybus ticket booths at the airport. Skybus is the premium departs-every-ten-minutes airport bus which heads to the city centre for $19.75, so this approach may seem unintuitive.

However, you can get the pack from Skybus. The $15 purchase price includes the standard $6 purchase price for the card, plus $9 of travel credit on standard public transport (ie not Skybus itself). That's more than enough to get to the city centre on a regular bus, then travel onwards to anywhere in the Melbourne metropolitan area.

The visitor pack also includes discount vouchers to major Melbourne attractions and a decorative Myki card wallet, so that may add to the incentive to pick one up.

3. The third option is to buy a Myki card from one of the three Myki ticket machines located at the airport. These are located in the arrivals areas of Terminals 2, 3 and 4.

Again, the card itself costs $6 and you top it up with credit; you'll need at least $4.40 credit to reach the city centre and stay in the black.

The regular bus stop is within the public transport interchange on Grants Road, near Terminal 4 (so allow 15 minutes walk from Terminal 1, and 10 minutes walk from Terminals 2 and 3). Look for the orange-and-white PTV sign inside the interchange.

Here you board the 901 bus to Frankston, which leaves approximately every 15 minutes from about 5am to midnight (timetable here).

Note: on Saturdays and Sundays the 901 bus departure intervals are every 30 minutes; and on Sundays the 901 operates from the airport from about 6.30am to 9pm.

"Touch on" the card (as the jargon goes) against a Myki reader on board, and take a seat.

When the bus reaches Broadmeadows Station, touch off the card, get out and walk into the station, touching on the card again. Take the underpass to Platform 1. From here a train will take you straight to the city centre (timetable here).

Fares

The Myki fare between the airport and city centre in either direction is a mere $4.40. This sum is automatically subtracted from the card balance when you touch off along the route.

This fare covers both of Melbourne's fare zones, so includes all public transport for the duration of the two hours. Hence you could transfer to another train, a bus or a tram when you reach the city centre, to travel onward within the same fare.

Give me credit

The catch is that you must buy a Myki card for that non-refundable $6 purchase price; though of course you'll be able to keep using it during your stay in Melbourne, and retain it for use on any future visits.

To top up the card's credit, the easiest method is to step into any of the numerous 7-Eleven outlets in the city centre and ask the person behind the counter to do it (it can also be topped up at train stations and at Myki machines at larger tram stops).

To work out how much credit you need during your visit, budget $8.80 per weekday (the capped daily fare) and $6.40 per weekend day or public holiday. If you like, the 7-Eleven staffer can alternatively add a pass to the card covering all travel over seven days for $44.

Going a-Broady

Another good thing about the 901+train option, is that it gets you straight into the "being in Melbourne" vibe – you can eavesdrop on some entertaining conversations on the train to/from Broady, which has a reputation for being one of Melbourne's tougher suburbs.

Don't let that put you off catching the train to/from Broadmeadows though, as it's a staffed station. Do exercise reasonable vigilance however, especially if travelling after dark.

Another catch is that the train+bus option isn't really suitable for people with large amounts of luggage; but if travelling with reasonably small and portable gear, go for it.

So happy flying - and enjoy the cheap ride to/from Melbourne Airport.